i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
