Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
