I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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