Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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