Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
