I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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