When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
