I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Randomize
