so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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