your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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