But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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