you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i think i have herpe
just one?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
