I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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