Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
