I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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