The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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