please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
