This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
