fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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