remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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