shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Randomize
