Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
