Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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