my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
ttyl tear gas
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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