My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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