sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
