I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
