I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
