I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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