i wish my penis had a tongue
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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