Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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