having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Randomize
