How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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