I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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