I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
