Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize