Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
