I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
