U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
