Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Randomize
