just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
