Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
All I want is dick and wine.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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