By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
