she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize