The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
