I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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