U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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