I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
