My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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