I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
