11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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