Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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