why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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