Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
