I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Randomize
