Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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