Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
