Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
