I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Randomize
