my room smells like sperm. sweet.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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