I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
