You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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