Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
